It’s been a while since I wrote. First I have gone through a move, then there was the unpacking. Before I knew it, it was time to send hubby to Afghanistan. It is now time to be strong not lose it. Well easier said than done. Although I spent more days this month up and about, I also had some days worse than usual. Rage is one of those things that has been worse. Also, communication is a problem. I want to say things, but other words are coming out of my mouth. As if my brain is trapped by something and that something has the power to use my functionality as it pleases. Over simple things (although things that I would usually be annoyed by), I rage. I might look like I am just overreacting by yelling at little things. In the inside I am exploding with anger. My blood boils. I get instant visions of wanting to smash whatever around me with a large hammer except my arms don’t have the energy. I see the fear in my kids’ eyes and the frustration in the eyes of the adults around me. I even scare myself at times. Probably rage isn’t the worst of my problems.
I can’t multitask. Don’t take this statement lightly. I’m at a point I can’t hear you, if I’m walking. I can’t form sentences, if there is movement.
I can’t spell. Many of my friends would joke saying “you couldn’t that before either”. Really letters are just jumbled up, when I try to write. Sometimes it is not even close enough for spell check to make suggestions.
I’m hypersensitive to sound, movement and light. A knife fell on the ground the other day. It was like a scene from the movies. I saw the knife fall in slow motion and the sound was as loud as speakers of a concert in a stadium, only it was in my ears. It felt as if someone stab me from my ear to my forehead. The pain was so so bad and this effect lasted probably for good 4 hours.
Not to mention my legs. To start off with, I don’t have the strength to lift up my body. However, my legs are heavy, just so heavy. They hurt so much, muscle pain, joint pain. Funny enough at the same time they feel numb. Also I have this sensation I can’t move them (not in the sense it is so weak (even though they are)) my nerve endings feel paralyzed.
This list can go on and on. To wrap it up, I’m hanging in there.