The 10 Type of People You Will Deal With When You Have An Invisible Illness

Maneuvering the minefield of “how are yous,” unwelcome personal health questions and recommendations from strangers, friends and loved ones isn’t always easy. Answering these questions or responding to these comments when you are chronically ill and have an invisible illness can be challenging. You have to quickly assess whether the person who is asking the question is being polite to start a generic conversation or  interested in your health progress. Healthy people go through a similar process to help them weigh on how much personal information to share, however health topic is a little bit more complicated. So how do you answer the uncomfortable how are you question and the million other things people say to you?

Sometimes people are genuinely curious. They have never been around a person with your illness. The conversation with these people will turn into full medical discussions. These people are like sponges. They will consume all of the information you are giving to them and generally these conversations will end with “I had no idea. Thank you for sharing your journey with me.”

These are the people who are either very close to you and saw your battle up close or they are sick themselves and so they have a point of reference. They know your good days and bad days. They also know being vertical or having make up on doesn’t equal to a “good” day. They will ask very specific questions like “how is your nausea?”, “what’s your pain level?”, “are you still having that X symptom?” These people are your support circle – virtual or in real life. If you have them you are lucky – many people don’t. Generally you won’t mind their questions, because they are genuine. Even these type of question can become too much sometimes. If that is the case, take a deep breath and say “I don’t feel like talking about my illness today”. Don’t be rude or mean. You need these people in your life.

The Health Expert 

These people will generally ask you questions like “what’s wrong with you?” or “what’s wrong with your legs?” They direct these type of question at you, because they observe you have a disabled parking privilege, you are using a mobility device such as an electric shopping cart, a cane, or a wheelchair. Their question is the way they assert their disapproval of your “health issue”. Foot note mobility devices aren’t exclusively used by people with leg problems including wheelchairs. I do not have to be paralyzed to be in need of a wheelchair.

Instead of avoiding the uncomfortableness of this type of situation, make them feel more uncomfortable by reflecting the stupidity of their rudeness. You do not owe them an explanation of your health status. Your condition is none of their business.

This person generally will direct a sarcastic question like “didn’t you just say you were sick” when they run into you at a social event or “oh you are sick again? I see.” Sometimes they will go as far as saying something like “well I read on your problem and doesn’t it go away in like two weeks?” These people are the detectives. They follow your digital foot print and dig holes in your storyline. They feel you are an attention seeker.

What do you do with people like that? Cutting them off isn’t always the answer. By all means weed out as many as you can, unfortunately that’s not always possible. Depending on how much mental and physical energy you have that day either go the route of awareness or dismissal. I’m very good at schooling people on health and I can make them shrink in this situation while keeping a very calm composure. Dump all the information you’ve learned throughout your journey, until they can hear no more. Choosing to dismiss them is a very valid approach as well, because your time and energy is way too valuable to waste on them. If you took the time to educate them, they should feel honored.

These people are already aware that you are sick. They use your illness as an icebreaker by saying something like “how are you feeling today?” They are not really interested in your health. The question is merely a conversation starter for them. Simplest way to deal with them is an effective technique used on toddlers – distraction. Direct a question about them. People love talking about themselves. This way you will avoid lying about how you are really feeling.  Often they will not even realize you skipped answering their question. There is no need to have ill feelings towards people like them. Although sometimes it is slightly annoying, they are harmless. I’ll take a conversation starter over a skeptical any day.

These are people that think and care about you. They will ask you the question how are you, then answer it themselves. They don’t mean anything harmful by the “how are you? You look good!” They are your wishful thinkers. They just want to hear good news from you. Unfortunately, they do not realize the real reason they ask and answer is that they are seeking some sort of relief from their guilt. They are looking for a positive spin in your difficult life. These people have empathy and it weighs on them to know you suffer. They might not realize pretending to feel well can weigh heavily on you, especially if you ran into too many of them while dealing with many invisible symptoms. Any other day I would recommend that you give them an out and respond by saying something like “as well as I can be.” This type of answer is double sided and it will mean “I am doing well” to an healthy person and “I am surviving” to a sick person. This way you are not really lying about your current state – small loophole.

These are the dismissive group. They don’t comprehend the complexity of your illness, so they compare it to another illness that has a platform like cancer or brain tumor. By their measurements your illness that they know nothing about isn’t as bad as [again inset whatever horrid well known illness]. The same approach you would use for a skeptical will work for these people. It is up to you, you could either educate them or dismiss them. It all depends on how many mental tokens you have on that day.

They are the group of people that will make the half statements leaving you to complete the rest of the question that you already know they are trying to ask. “So what is it that…”, “if you don’t mind me asking…”, “are your legs ok? You know because…”, or “are you ok?…” leaving you with silence to fill in the gap and/or pointing at whatever part of you they’ve noticed is troubled. This approach makes them feel more considerate. If you are in a humorous mode, you can play dumb and wait for the awkward silence to settle. Of course their polite and considerate demeanor is appreciated, so you could briefly answer their question as well. I generally give the smallest problem I have like “I have a hip problem.”

Spoonie is a terminology that comes from the spoon theory. These people might or might not have an official diagnosis, however they are definitely suffering themselves. They reach out to you, because they are sick and need answers. Your digital foot print made them realize they might have what you have, even if they are diagnosed with something else. Answer their questions, if you have the capacity. Remember if you are like me and have so many people reaching out, it is also alright to turn them down. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming to constantly consult others on diseases, especially if they are new to the topic. Try not to be short with them. If I cannot answer their questions, I direct them to resources.