Here goes nothing. I am at Panera bread treating myself to a sesame bagel and cream cheese with hot tea – my favorite. I just got poked in the arm one more time – a thing I need to get used to, I am assuming. Waiting to start eating, because I am about to take my first pill towards the cure of Lyme and its gang. I tell my kids the pills are the good cops, and they catch the bad guys in my body 🙂  I am scared and can’t logic my way out of it. Fear is the most interesting emotion our body is equipped with. It is amazing how one tiny pill can put this much fear in me. Is it the pill or the fact that I know what is awaiting for me?

I ate and then continued to stare at the bottle. Called a few good friends. Tears started pouring uncontrollably. Here I am at a very busy restaurant sitting by myself and crying but I don’t care. I am scared and I feel alone. So of course I am on the phone with good friends, at least I can cry in their company. In the end I wiped my tears, took the first pill towards my cure. That was my first step. At least 2 months of testing and the anxiety is over. Not really but I now know.Panera breaddeyim. Kendime en sevdigim susamli bagel ve krem peynir ismarladim, yaninada cay aldim. Bir kere daha kollarim delindi kan alinmak icin. Sanirim bu olaya alismam gerekiyor. Kahvaltimi yemek icin bekliyorum, cunku Lyme ve cetesinin tedavisine dogru ilk hapimi almak uzereyim. Cocuklarima bu haplarin iyi polisler olup, vucudumdaki kotu adamalarini yakaladiklarini soyluyorum :-). Korkuyorum ve mantigimla kendimi sakinlestiremiyorum. Korku vucudumuz donanmlandigi en ilginc duygudur. Kucuk bir ilacin beni bu kadar korkutabilmesi cok ilginc bir durum. Ilacmi yoksa beni ne bekledigini bilmem mi beni korkutuyor?

Yemegimi yedim ve elimdeki siseye bakmaya devam ediyorum. Bir iki dostumu aradim. Gozyaslarim kontolsuzcee akmaya basladi gozumden. Cok yogun bir restoranin ortasinda, tek basima oturmus agliyorum ama umrumda bile degil. Korkuyorum ve yalniz hissediyorum. Tabiki dostlarimla telefondayim, en azindan ben aglarken bana eslik etmis oluyorlar. Sonunda goz yaslarimi silip, beni saglima dogru goturecek olan ilk hapimi ictim.  Ilk adimimdi bu. En azindan 2 aydir suren tesler ve kaygilarim sona erdi. Gercekten sona ermedi ama en azindan artik biliyorum.

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