I know what I feel…

…physically, when herxing. I can’t even lift my fingers. Pushing down the keys on my laptop actually hurts. I can’t get up while laying without the help of another person. Walking is extremely painful. My body is aching all around. My muscles feel very weak. Holding a 32oz water bottle seems impossible. Instead I have to drink everything with a straw, of course that is if someone puts the bottle within reach. Lifting anything is not an option. My head has this heavy pressure. I see everything blurry, even if I use my glasses. I can’t sleep. Insomnia takes over my nights. I can barely speak. Let’s face it, it just takes too much effort.

I don’t know what you see…

…when you look at me. I certainly know what I see on your face. I see fear. I see the helplessness. I see your desire to do something, but not knowing how to help. I see the scenarios of what will happen in the near future going through your head. I also see the solutions you are trying to come up with. I see your facial muscles fighting; your emotions rightfully trying to display the fear and sadness, while the desire to give courage and hope trying to take over with a smile. That smile you give while the mirror to your heart, your eyes, are crying. I see love.

Which is why…

…I feel happy. I know from outside I look miserable. In the inside I am not. At first I was. I was crying a lot. I was feeling helpless, alone, scared. Well fear still surrounds my body, but there is something stronger now circling my veins – love. Love is dedication. I see a lot of dedicated people around me, whether they are physically present or far far away. I feel lucky and honored to be loved as much.

So when you look at me…

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