I stopped writing because I became afraid to face my emotions. When I write I let out my true feelings and these days I am not ready to face them. I feel very conflicted. Too much is going on. Then again which lymey doesn’t have too much going on in their lives.
Just like the special effects in a movie scene I pause a given moment in my day/life and look around. I see all the incredibly difficult situations surrounding me. I feel utter exhaustion. There goes another familiar term among us lymeys. I’m physically exhausted. I’m emotionally exhausted. Don’t get me wrong I have my good days more often than before (yay for me). I’m still very much drained.
Having an invisible disease is hard. It is almost I feel guilty on my good days, considering all the time I spend convincing people how sick I am. Besides the guilt I try to enjoy my good days. You know there is always those who are judging whether they say something or not or those thinking ok she is better now. I am not faking anything. At times I feel people really lack common sense. How could one think a person would be happy to be in bed 24/7, when everybody else is enjoying their days. At times not eating an entire day, because there is not anybody around to bring food to you. Staring at a water bottle that is only inches away from you, even though you are thirsty and not grabbing it, because you are too weak to reach, lift, open the bottle and sip. How about the times bathroom becomes your enemy, because attempting to use the bathroom is just too painful. On a day I find the energy, strength and the motivation to be out, whether for pleasure or to run an errand, has a price. What nobody sees is that, I will be in bed for a few days suffering afterwards. Some might also think, if that is the case why waste your energy in stupid social activities. The answer is simple. Just like anybody else I need human contact too. To be out and about is like a reward to my pathetic day.